No, Joey!
by HellsYeahBitches
Summary: Joey Mercury, Johnny Nitro, and Melina one shot I own no one! Tyler Pores


Nitro and Mercury are standing therein their locker room. Both men are standing there in a couple of fur coats and their wrestling gear.

Johnny Nitro

"I'm telling you it can't be done!"

Joey Mercury

"What are you talking about? Of course it can be! You wait until he falls asleep and then you take his teddy bear away from him!"

Johnny Nitro

"No way, Randy would wake up the second you touched his teddy bear."

Joey Mercury

"Does it have a mirror attached to it or something?"

Johnny Nitro

"Probably, I don't know I haven't ever seen the mother fucker. I know he has it, he always talks about how much he loves his teddy."

Joey Mercury

"I want a teddy bear!"

Johnny Nitro

"Why do you want one, what possible use could you have for a damn teddy bear?"

Joey Mercury

"So I can name it Rupert and have it guard my cake! Speaking of MY CAKE I heard Randy is plotting to steal it all! Tell me it isn't so Johnny! Tell me it isn't so!"

Johnny Nitro

"No, it isn't so dude."

Joey Mercury

"But Tracy told me Randy was after my cake! You don't think Tracy would lie to me would you? I mean I'm Freddy Mercury!"

Nitro looks at Joey confused.

Johnny Nitro

"You're Joey, not Freddie."

Joey hits himself in the head with the palm of his hand.

Joey Mercury

"Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Melina told me that too, but I keep wondering why everybody calls me Freddie!?"

Johnny Nitro

"Because everybody is a fucking moron, get it?"

Joey Mercury

"The doctor told me I couldn't call people that either, said it would be too hypocritical."

Johnny Nitro

"Yeah Melina told me about your asshole of a doctor. Tell me something, was he the CMF corporate doctor?"

Joey Mercury

"Yeah, even his nurses were making fun of me!"

Johnny Nitro

"I'll have to pay that idiot a visit and show him what happens when you mess with family."

Joey Mercury

"Can you show Randy too? He is one of the ones who keep calling me Freddie! I don't like being called Freddie, my name is Joey!"

Joey pauses for a minute and tilts his head up.

Joey Mercury

"…I think."

Johnny Nitro

"Don't worry Joey, Randy will get his just desserts when Melina and I get our hands on him and Tia at Backlash tomorrow night. Just you sit back and relax and enjoy the show of Randy and Tia getting their asses handed to them."

Joey Mercury

"With a plate of chocolate cake!"

Nitro sighs.

Johnny Nitro

"Whatever… so what have you done today?"

Joey Mercury

"I asked Stacy out on a date and she laughed at me! That hurt my feelings, I wanted to cry. I really did. Stacy really hurt my feelings! And that isn't all, Travis came up and stole my ice cream cone and said never to talk to Stacy again! I wanted to stomp on his toes and thumb him in his eye!"

Johnny Nitro

"Why didn't you?"

Joey Mercury

"The Garden Gnomes told me not to."

Johnny Nitro

"I swear dude you get stranger and stranger with each passing day. It always brings a smile to my face, entertainment I guess."

Joey Mercury

"Garden Gnomes are not entertaining! They are evil! Just like clowns!"

Johnny Nitro

"Maybe I should take you back to Japan and have them hit you with a steel chair some more, maybe that would knock the sense back into you."

Joey Mercury

"NO!"

Mercury shouts in a commanding way.

Joey Mercury

"Clowns all around me there! Don't take me back! Please! I beg you! They are after me lucky charms!"

Joey begins to flip out and Nitro simply palms him in the forehead and tells him to chill.

Johnny Nitro

"Relax dude, nothing is out to get you."

Joey Mercury

"Just Randy… and he's after me cake! My chocolate delight!"

Johnny Nitro

"Nah I'm pretty sure he's not, it doesn't have that special ingredient his brownies have."

Joey Mercury

"The Love of a good woman?"

Johnny Nitro

"More like disease of thousands of women, but that's off topic, you know that ingredient, the one that made your head feel funny."

Mercury holds his head.

Joey Mercury

"Oh right the thingy that made my head feel funny! I remember now…and thank you for bringing it back up you big dummy! My head is starting to hurt now!"

Johnny Nitro

"I could give you one of Jeremy's brownies."

Joey Mercury

"NO!"

Mercury snaps.

Johnny Nitro

"The way those two act, it's definitely the brownies."

Joey Mercury

"I felt so small after I ate those things…worst brownies I've ever had and trust me I've had a lot of brownies!"

Johnny Nitro

"I'd believe it dude."

Maria Kanellis enters Joey and Johnny's locker room and looks at both of them look back at her.

Johnny Nitro

"Why hello there, how are you Miss Kanellis?"

Maria Kanellis

"I'm just fine, but a minute ago Randy was just hitting on me. I swear that man has no morale whatsoever. It makes me really sick just to be around him, the way he was looking at me like I was just some piece of meat."

Johnny Nitro

"Yeah he's an asshole, so tell me Maria, how's Anarchist doing? After yesterday I haven't seen him much."

Maria Kanellis

"Oh he's doing just fine, in fact he wanted me to tell you something, something about 'how'd the match talk go'…said you'd understand what he meant by that. You and Melina get together and talk about your match or something?"

Nitro laughs, rubbing his chin.

Johnny Nitro

"Yeah something like that Maria."

Out of the blue Joey Mercury speaks.

Joey Mercury

"Randy looks like a troll doll with its head shaved!"

Both Nitro and Maria look at Joey with confused eyes.

Johnny Nitro

"Ignore him Maria, you know how he gets."

Maria Kanellis

"Yeah I've been told by a few people that he's slightly off."

Johnny Nitro

"He's a good guy though, a good friend, and a good ally."

Maria Kanellis

"He can wrestle right, I mean he's not just walking around as your groupie?"

Johnny Nitro

"Yeah he can wrestle Maria."

Nitro laughs.

Johnny Nitro

"Believe me when I tell you he can wrestle like no other. If we get a match at the pay per view or Backlash then you'll see my words made true. He's one in a million that's for sure."

Maria Kanellis

"I'll make it a point to watch his next match then."

Maria smiles kindly.

Joey Mercury

"OH BTW NITRO!"

Nitro jumps as Mercury shouts for his attention. Maria grabs at her chest, startled just like Nitro.

Johnny Nitro

"What?!"

Nitro says with a bit of irritation to his voice.

Joey Mercury

"Melina wanted you to meet her at the gym, she wanted me to tell you. Apparently you two need to go over some thing sin the ring. Some things that she couldn't go over with me."

Johnny Nitro

"Oh great, more training…I swear that woman won't stop training until her limbs fall off."

Joey Mercury

"Yeah she wanted me to tell you like an hour ago, when I first saw you…but I forgot."

Nitro stares at Mercury, shaking his head.

Johnny Nitro

"Don't tell me she has been waiting on me this entire time?"

Joey Mercury

"Uh…well shit I think she has been! You better go dude! I bet she's already uber pissed off at you!"

Johnny Nitro

"Gee you think? If I weren't afraid it'd do more damage I'd hit you."

Joey Mercury

"You have no idea how many times I hear that!"

Johnny Nitro shakes his head once again and leaves the locker room. Joey slowly steps closer to Maria and looks at her moving his eyebrows up and down with a slick smile.

Joey Mercury

"Wanna do something fun Maria?"

Maria Kanellis

"What do you have in mind Joey?"

Joey Mercury

"Well I was thinking I would sit here on this sofa and you would…"

Maria Kanellis

"I would what?"

Maria seems a bit excited, waiting in anticipation.

Joey Mercury

"Go fetch me some chocolate cake! I hear they have this great bakery in Beijing and its cake is simply to… well I'll just say this, you live to love it!"

Maria sighs with disappointment.

Maria Kanellis

"You want to come with me to the bakery to get it?"

Joey Mercury

"But the garden gnomes might try to get me! It's safest if I stay here!"

Maria Kanellis

"I'm sure they won't because you won't be alone. Isn't that a fact that garden gnomes never attack a crowd, even if it's just two?"

Joey Mercury

"YOU'RE RIGHT! Let's go get cake then!"

Maria and Mercury leave the locker room together.

…A moment spoiled…

Johnny Nitro and Melina Perez are in the ring at the local gym, after hours. Johnny Nitro takes Melina over with a hip toss and then lifts her up and the two begin to walk in the middle of the ring.

Johnny Nitro

"All you need to know about Randy's style is, he'll always take the time to showboat and toot his own horn. If he does a move that he was proud of, say a standing dropkick, you know he's going to showboat to the crowd, shouting how about how great he is and how he has the bet dropkick in the business."

Melina Perez

"I know about that Johnny, I want to know the kind of moves we use against Tia and Randy. Moves that will be most effective."

Johnny Nitro

"Well the Snapshot to end the match, that's a given. I lift them up and you grab their head… you get it?"

Melina nods.

Johnny Nitro

"That's good Mel, now I wanted you to try a few moves, everyone has to have a style in the ring. Whether it's slapping your opponent all around or kicking and chopping."

Melina Perez

"Hey baby you know my style, I'm straight lucha libre and I'm going to jerk Tia around that ring like there ain't no tomorrow."

Melina smiles.

Johnny Nitro

"That's easy to say but all seriousness I want you to talk me through the match, I want you to tell me things you'll do and I'll throw a counter your way if I can think of one."

Melina nods.

Melina Perez

"Let's go then baby, let me show ya what I got!"

Johnny Nitro

"You two begin to circle one another, you tie up in the middle of the ring, and she takes you into a side headlock."

Melina Perez

"I fight out of it anyway I can, maybe take her into a side wrist lock and then leap up and go for a head scissors takeover."

Johnny Nitro

"She takes it and rolls right back up and goes at you with a clothesline, what do you do?"

Melina Perez

"Well I would probably out of instinct duck it and make the tag into you and she would probably tag out and tag in Randy."

Johnny Nitro

"Okay then I whip Randy around the ring, beat him up pretty damn good, and then both of us will tag out and get you two divas back in. You two run at one another and she takes you down with a clothesline and then rolls you up and takes you over with a suplex. She goes up to the top rope, you have the energy to see Tia climbing and have the energy to do something."

Melina Perez

"Well obviously I'm not going to lie there and wait to be hit. I'll probably play possum and wait for Tia to do something to me and then roll out of the way and capitalize on her lying there holding herself."

Johnny Nitro

"Good idea! She gets up on her knees and you are on your feet."

Melina Perez

"I'll spring off the ropes and deliver a dropkick right to her head."

Johnny Nitro

"She ducks and you hit the mat flat on your face."

Melina Perez

"Roll to the ropes and try to hook an arm over the bottom rope."

Johnny Nitro

"She pulls you away and drags you back to her corner and shoves you in, where Randy begins to choke you as she distracts the referee."

Melina Perez

"I kick Randy where the sun doesn't shine for even thinking about touching me! Duh!"

Johnny Nitro

"Or I jump into the ring and assault the jackass."

Melina Perez

"I then try to make it back to you to tag you back into the match."

Johnny Nitro

"Tia grabs your left ankle and pulls you back to the middle of the ring."

Melina Perez

Well I'd probably be jumping on one leg, trying to get to the corner anyway, but if it showed futile I'd leap back and use her own momentum, the strength she is using to hold me back away from you and deliver an enziguri."

Johnny Nitro

"Then you can tag me in and I can whoop Randy's ass one more time, for the second time in the match."

Nitro laughs.

Johnny Nitro

"He might get in a move here and there, but I highly doubt it you know, but hey anything's possible I guess. I mean the nugget did manage to become the undisputed champion did he not?"

Melina nods showing her approval.

Melina Perez

"Yup he certainly did at that."

Johnny Nitro

"You see Mel, we have this match well in hand. You just need to have a little faith in your abilities and hey if you get in trouble just make the tag or know if you can't that I'll find a way to have your back. You take an RKO, Randy will have to make sure all bases are covered, he'll have to make sure I'm incapacitated or something… which won't happen. Randy won't be the difference maker, that's me Johnny Nitro… The Charismatic Heartbreaker."

Melina Perez

"That you are Nitro, that you are."

Nitro begins to gaze into Melina's eyes, taken by her beauty, hypnotized it would seem. Nitro brushes back her hair and get a clearer look at her face. Joey Mercury then comes running and slides into the ring. Joey gets up and licks his chocolate ice cream and looks at both Nitro and Melina with a child's innocence in his eyes.

Joey Mercury

"Nitro?"

Nitro tries to ignore Mercury for once.

Joey Mercury

"NITRO!"

Nitro turns his head further away from Mercury.

Joey Mercury

"RANDY'S BITCH!?"

Nitro leaps and barks down at Mercury. Mercury nearly jumps out of his boots and not only that, he drops his ice cream cone on the mat. Joey Mercury begins to tear up a little bit, wiping one of his eyes with his index finger.

Johnny Nitro

"Awe don't cry…"

Joey Mercury

"Can I have change for a soda?"

Johnny Nitro

"Chocolate Soda?"

Joey Mercury

"Duh!"

Johnny Nitro

"I think you've had enough sugar for one day dude, I won't be sleeping much as it is, you jumping in your bed and keeping me up with the light on."

Joey Mercury

"I promise I won't do dat!"

Johnny Nitro

"That's what you said last week dude."

Joey Mercury

"So can I have change for a soda?"

Johnny Nitro

"I'm sorry but no."

Joey Mercury begins to cry. Melina turns her back to Nitro after giving him a dirty look. Melina lets Mercury cry on her shoulder. Mercury eyes up at Nitro and grins a devilish grin and gives Nitro the finger mouthing the words "sucker".

...Hotdogs and Soda Dreams...

Back at the arena Johnny Nitro and Joey Mercury are standing in their locker room like they were before, talking over how Jeremy is the one man tag team now that Foxy has left him high and dry as far as the tag team titles are concerned.

Johnny Nitro

"You know a win over Randy could propel us as a tag team. I know I have been on about challenging Rand for the undisputed title, but I can wait on that, Randy will know I have his number when I beat him. That title shot will be waiting for me on down the line. Those tag team titles however, they couldn't be easier to win now that Foxy has left Jeremy high and dry with both tag team titles."

Joey Mercury

"He deserved it, the way he treated her! I don't think I'd have treated somebody like Foxy like that, she's very scary. I must agree with you dude, now is the best time to challenge those tag team titles."

Johnny Nitro

"If I beat Randy Orton I can damn sure beat Jeremy Wilson. You might not even have to compete that night. Everyone knows that Randy Orton is the backbone of those two. That he is the man who carries that team."

Joey Mercury

"Which is very sad! That borderlines pathetic to the extreme!"

Johnny Nitro

"What is pathetic is sinking to the depths of dating a diva like Tia Calloway, a woman who can't seem to get over the fact she was ONCE the hardcore the champion in the CMF. She's laughable, she really is dude. This match is cake."

Joey Mercury

"THOU SHALT NOT MENTION CAKE AND TIA IN THE SAME SETENCE!"

Mercury snaps.

Joey Mercury

"You made such a sweet word so bitter by putting it with that slut Tia! Blasphemy!"

Johnny Nitro

"I'm sorry Mercury, I didn't mean to offend the word Cake by putting it along side that woman's name."

Mercury nods.

Joey Mercury

"You're damn right you didn't mean it! It's understandable though I know how great of a word and substance it is! I can hardly resist saying it right now!"

Johnny Nitro

"You…need to get laid…badly."

Joey Mercury

"Yeah and end up like you? I THINK NOT!"

Johnny Nitro

"What you mean normal?"

Joey Mercury

"No I mean lusting after a certain manager we both know! May I remind you that manager is like a sister to me and I'm very protective of her!"

Johnny Nitro

"Hey man I have no idea what you're talking about, Melina and I are close but not that close. I don't see her that way dude."

Joey Mercury

"Yeah whatever, I'm not stu…stu…stupid!"

Johnny Nitro

"Yeah but you stutter and spit when you talk."

Nitro laughs slightly.

Joey Mercury

"I d…d…do n…n…not!"

Johnny Nitro

"Yeah you do, anyway I have to head back to the hotel and get some sleep before you come barging in on your sugar high wanting to play monopoly."

Joey Mercury

"I always sink your battleship!"

Johnny Nitro

"Wrong game dude."

Joey Mercury

"Oh…I always put you in checkmate!"

Johnny Nitro

"Again with the wrong game dude, try again."

Joey Mercury

"It can't be the one you buy property and houses to put on them can it?"

Nitro sighs.

Johnny Nitro

"Yeah that's the one dude. Now if you don't mind I'm really sleepy, I need to go get some rest."

Joey Mercury

"Can I get some money for a hot dog before you go? I'd use my own but Melina has me restricted to only $100 a week to spend on my own and I kind of spent it on this cake I saw in the window…"

Nitro widens his eyes, wiping his hand down his face in disbelief.

Johnny Nitro

"You spent $100 on cake?"

Joey Mercury

"Actually it was two! Teen Titan chocolate cake and Inyuasha!"

Johnny Nitro

"And you wonder why Melina has restricted your spending and keeps you under a close eye financially?"

Joey Mercury

"She likes looking at me in anyway?"

Nitro shakes his head with a smile.

Joey Mercury

"Can I have a few dollars for a hotdog and a soda?"

Johnny Nitro

"I'm going to have to say no because you'll probably end up buying a cheap noisemaker you'll use to wake me up from a peaceful sleep."

Joey Mercury

"Probably dreaming about Melina!"

Johnny Nitro

"Hey!"

Nitro snaps throwing up his hand with only his index finger not folded into a fist.

Johnny Nitro

"I told you I didn't see her like that and I mean it. Now I'll give you a few dollars never to mention or tease me about it again!"

Joey Mercury

"Deal! Melina lover!"

Nitro sighs as he pulls out a wad of cash and turns his attention away from counting right as Melina walks in. Mercury grabs the wad and jets off down the hallway. Nitro throws up his hand and goes to shout after his tag team partner but he refrains, backs down instead of wasting the effort.

Melina Perez

"His hotdog scam?"

Johnny Nitro

"Sneaky little shit isn't he?"

Melina Perez

"That he is indeed, but I love him like a brother."

Johnny Nitro

"So you have fun with your late night shopping?"

Melina Perez

"Yeah I love having the mall all to myself! Maria and I bought the cutest little things! Remind me to show you tomorrow sometime!"

Johnny Nitro

"Oh joy…I'll be sure to do that."

Nitro looks around the room as Melina shoves his shoulder back, smiling and laughing.

Melina Perez

"So what were you two talking about?"

Johnny Nitro

"He was explaining his theory on cake and how he blew $100.00 on two special cakes."

Melina Perez

"Damn…and he wonders why I have him under financial watch!"

Johnny Nitro

"That's what I said!"

Nitro lifts his arm and points at Melina.

Melina Perez

"Does he still think Randy is after his cake?"

Johnny Nitro

"Oh I'm sure of it. That dude is paranoid and very selfish when it comes to cake."

Melina Perez

"Hey he offers me pieces all the time!"

Johnny Nitro

"Yeah but he told me you're like a sister to him, of course he's going to offer to you. You've earned his trust as I have."

Melina Perez

"He's very selfless though, always thinking of others over himself."

Johnny Nitro

"He wants me to hurt Randy because of the rumor he's out to steal his cake, teach him that you don't disrespect the word cake."

Melina Perez

"That's Joey for you in a nutshell."

Johnny Nitro

"His mind became younger after our little run around Japan you know? It's like hanging around a kid."

Melina Perez

"A kid who can wrestle!"

Johnny Nitro

"Yeah I don't know how that dude moves around the ring like he does, and with such charisma!"

Melina Perez

"Hey he learns from the best as far as charisma goes. You two are two of the most charismatic superstars I've ever seen in the ring. So anyway you ready to beat Randy and Tia's egos right out of them tomorrow night?"

Johnny Nitro

"Mel, it's going to be my distinct pleasure to wipe the floor with those two idiots. Rest assured and peacefully that The Charismatic Heartbreaker is going to get the job done and prove every last one of his words true."

Melina Perez

"Randy isn't capable of respecting anybody if it doesn't somehow boasting his own ego, you know? I mean me beating Stacy, that's pretty incredible. She's a former woman's champion."

Johnny Nitro

"That's like me saying Randy beating Flair is nothing because Flair is in his fifties or sixties, past his prime."

Melina Perez

"And Tia is just a dumb bitch, filled with ignorance, and self promotion…and puppy dog eyes whenever the name Randy is mentioned. Oh yeah, I went there. She talks a big game but she's just like every other typical little girl, she has puppy love, as much as she'll deny it."

Nitro shrugs.

Johnny Nitro

"Don't much care her ass is going to be kicked by you just like Randy's is going to be kicked by me. This match is in the bag baby."

Melina smiles as she twiddles her fingers, biting her bottom lip. Joey Mercury then comes riding in on one of those kid sized toy jeeps, live sized jeeps or something, it's pretty expensive. Mercury and his jeep are pulling a little red wagon full of stuffed animals. Melina and Nitro both stand there shaking their heads.

Johnny Nitro

"How much did all this cost?"

Joey Mercury

"A LOT! I almost didn't have enough but then I remembered I swiped one of Randy's credit cards with the brownies earlier, so I just charged it all!"

Johnny Nitro

"At least my money wasn't spent on this cra…I mean stuff."

Joey Mercury

"Of course not! I spent your money on some things you can give to Randy."

Mercury gets off of his toy jeep and pulls out a box of extra protection, extra pleasure Trojans and then digs into the back of his jeep and pulls out several videos and hands them to both Melina and Nitro. Nitro and Melina look more then shocked.

Melina Perez

"Abstinence, it can be your best friend…"

Johnny Nitro

"How to tell your girlfriend they gave you herpes."

Melina Perez

"10,000 ways to dump a girl you're cheating on."

Johnny Nitro

"Yeah I think he wrote that book Mel."

Melina Perez

"How to tell your girlfriend in a nice way you're leaving her because you got her pregnant."

Johnny Nitro

"I think Randy likes his current method of disappear down a dark alley and begin hitting on women at the nearest bar or nightclub."

Melina Perez

"How to tell your boyfriend you gave him AIDS."

Joey Mercury

"I got that one for Tia!"

Johnny Nitro

"How to wrestle 101…yeah Randy definitely needs this one!"

Joey Mercury

"I got that for Tia actually…hardcore wrestling is yucky!"

Melina Perez

"They can watch it together! They both could use it!"

Johnny Nitro

"How to tell the difference between Jeremy Wilson and Johnny Depp."

Joey Mercury

"Yeah I can't tell the difference at all! It messes with my mind and confoozes me!"

Johnny Nitro

"Yeah they do strike a similar resemblance I suppose."

Melina Perez

"How to be charismatic like MNM…I like this one!"

Johnny Nitro

"Yeah but you can never learn that, you have to be born with it and Randy, Tia, and the rest of Triple H's Elite just weren't…I mean it's not their fault, they just suck in comparison."

Nitro laughs, joined soon by Mercury and Melina.


End file.
